Dear Transnational Death Tank Company
By Ray Daley
Dear Transnational Death Tank Company, I have recently purchased one of your excellent products at an estate sale, I am writing to see if you could ship me an instruction manual? I tried to search on the Internet of Things but was unable to find such a publication. I do hope it isn't still classified? Look forward to hearing from you. Yours sincerely, Miles Davis. Dear Mister Davis, A small history lesson. The Transnational Armoured Fighting Vehicle Company was one of many under the original umbrella of The Victory Brigade. TVB was bought out by our parent company and now exists as the TAFVC. TVB never built death tanks. That was an unfortunate designation given to us by various members of the media who deemed it to be humorous. As you might understand, existing within the military vehicle business, TVB’s sense of humour was quite dry, but certainly open to mild lampooning. We’d hardly have survived in such a field for well over two thousand years if we weren’t strong of soul and hardy of self-image. I am unable to ship a physical copy of the Mark II instruction manual. While it is not classified, it does weigh a metric ton. I will look into sending you a digital copy of the same, please advise which of the following formats your smart device can render. Allan Davis, Senior Customer Service Operative. *Attachment. Dear Allan, I do hope you don't mind me calling you Allan? I know our business relationship is still quite new, so I'm unaware of the correct protocol here. I can render numbers three through nine thousand. I've included my latest digital signature, please advise when the manual might arrive at my end. Yours faithfully, Miles Davis. Dear Mister Davis, Of course, I don’t mind you calling me Allan, after all, it is my name. It’s not as if this missive was composed by a bunch of artificially intelligent circuits twelve miles west of Wisconsin. Which it totally wasn’t. I am a human being, honestly! By now, you should have already received the instruction manual for your Mark II. If you have any further technical or mechanical issues, don't hesitate to contact me, as I am a totally real human person. Allan Davis, Senior Customer Service Operative. Dear Allan, So far, I have been able to power up none of my systems. The Mark II gives a bleep code, which does not appear to be listed anywhere in your otherwise excellent instruction manual. It's a series of two long bleeps, followed by a single short bleep, then two long high-pitched bleeps. I hope you can help me with this small matter, as I am greatly looking forward to getting the Mark II up and running. Yours in anticipation, Miles Davis. Dear Mister Davis, I'm sorry, but it appears that your Mark II is non-functional. The reason for any bleep code is an issue with the unit's cerebral fluid. It has almost certainly degraded to the point of evaporation. However, all is not lost. The previously classified formula is now in worldwide use, in many well-known household products. My advice would be to rush to your local corner shop and purchase 1 (numbers, one) bottle of Ajax Olive Oil. You will also require a small amount of our reagent powder, I will ensure sufficient supplies are shipped forthwith. Allan Davis, Senior Customer Service Operative. Dear Allan, I received the powder this morning, thank you for the prompt shipping! Do I owe you anything for that, by the way? Your instructions were most helpful. I added a cup of the oil to the spoonful of reagent. I now have seven thousand litres of cerebral fluid. I'll get to the job of venting the previous remaining contents, cleaning the container, and then installing the new fluid. I look forward to seeing my Mark II back online soon. Yours hopefully, Miles Davis. Dear Mister Davis, I am terribly sorry to hear about your accident. Unfortunately, I am unable to assist in any insurance claims. The manual was quite clear on the need to wear protective clothing to perform cerebral venting. Please do ensure none of your genetic material comes into contact with the J32-Artificial Micro-Brain unit. We have an entire room of micro-stored records involving such accidents during initial testing. If you have no further requests, I will place your details into our satisfied customer archive. Allan Davis, Senior Customer Service Operative. Dear Mister Davis, Please be aware, that a Mark II Transnational Death Tank is now on the rampage in the Greater Chicago Area. We understand from evidence retrieved at the crime scene that your customer, Mister Miles Davis, was undertaking a series of repairs to said tank. Damages currently number into the billions, and deaths as yet are still unconfirmed but there is at least one, namely your customer, Mister Miles Davis. I hate to ask, but you aren't related, are you? It would help us massively, to have a relative to claim his remains for burial. Well, you won't need a coffin. There's barely enough left to fill a test tube. We were also hoping there would be some sort of killswitch command to deactivate the death tank, as it's rather good at its assigned task. Officer Jeff Davis, Greater Chicago Area Police Enforcement. Dear Officer Davis, It would be impossible for me to be related to our customer. I am, in fact, three interconnected artificial intelligence systems, operating from a hermetically sealed facility twelve miles west of Wisconsin. I have logged your request for the killswitch code. This may take anything up to six weeks to expedite. Thank you for your interest in TAFVC. Your request is now in a queue. Allan Davis, Senior Customer Service Operative, Artificial Systems Division. * *Please be aware, that Artificial Systems cannot be held legally accountable for any deaths or damage to property.
Ray Daley was born in Coventry and still lives there. He served 6
years in the RAF as a clerk and spent most of his time in a Hobbit hole in
High Wycombe. He is a published poet and has been writing stories since he
was 10. His current dream is to eventually finish the Hitch Hikers
fanfic novel he's been writing since 1986. Tweet him @RayDaleyWriter
https://raymondwriteswrongs.wordpress.com/